So you’ve met someone and you’re pretty sure they’re the one. At least they could be! They have nice hair and they’re so funny. You didn’t speak, like not even one word, but it was a very meaningful lack of dialogue. You should be married within the week. There’s only one thing left to do.
Absolutely nothing.
1. The second you leave the function/show/party use your remaining phone data to find them on social media. Unsure of their last name? No problem! Greg introduced you and he’s friends with Meredith sooo a few mutual friend searches, a flick through a photo or two, and four profiles with the same name as them later, there they are! A pretty limited page means you’ll have to measure your compatibility using one or two cover photos (they’re a dog person! You love dogs!) and a leftover status from 2012 (they wanted to find Kony! You also wanted to find Kony!) Navigate their profile with expert agility as to not accidentally like anything. Review your profile to make sure you look hot and available should they also have formed a crush in the fifteen minutes you spent standing near them. Laugh in the face of the friend request button.
2. Casually bring them up to a friend. Say, “Hey, who was that person you were talking to the other night in the baseball cap?” Sound chill. Shrug your shoulders a bunch. When your friend has no idea who you’re talking about, get more specific. “They had a drink with a lime in it. You spoke from about 11:15 to 11:27 in the south westish corner of the bar. They dressed well, like they had a good sense of colour but also played with texture which you don’t really see! Absolutely set on finding Kony. Their laugh filled the room but not in a ‘look at me’ way. The baseball cap was everest green. I don’t know.” You do know. Shrug again. When your friend realizes who you’re talking about and asks why you want to know, say “No reason.” Say it sixty more times while backing down the hallway and out the door.
3. Imagine at length what it would be like to cook breakfast with them on a sunday morning. You’re at a cottage in the UK like the one Kate Winslet owns in The Holiday but it’s the summertime so it’s green and lush and warm. Not too warm though because you’re not sweating. In fact, you’ve forgotten how to sweat. “What’s sweating?” you ask them. They laugh. You don’t need context because you’re in love. They are in their underwear making eggs and laughing. You laugh while pouring them a coffee. You both can’t stop laughing because when life is this goddamn beautiful you laugh just to pass the time. Look at your perfect fucking life and laugh bitch! Fuck! Also though, you share some silence together. It’s extremely comfortable and not awkward at all because you know each other. You know each other so well that you don’t need to fucking talk! You both settle at the table and read the paper. It’s not boring at all. To you a newspaper is cool and interesting. You know all about current events and have the most well informed takes. Look at your fucking life! You are that bitch! You both fucking laugh!
4. Unexpectedly see them in public and earnestly wish for death. Avoid eye contact at all costs. If you’re across the room from them take off your glasses and clean them so if they look at you, you can look down, or even look around, saying “I can’t see on account of my glasses being off.” Say this regardless of having glasses. If they’re headed in your direction turn to face the wall. Give it a little knock and say, “Still good.” Pretend to take a phone call and yell very loudly, “Get me out of here, I’m scared!” If you’re with a friend, grab them by the collar and exclaim, “No you listen!” and run in the opposite direction. If they see you smile, they will think, ‘somebody has a crush!’. If they see you not smiling, they will think ‘that person must be avoiding smiling as not to indicate the big big crush they have on me.’ No matter what you do, they will know. How fucking embarrassing for you, you stupid stupid idiot.
5. Scour the internet for any photo, tweet, post, video, podcast, mp3, news article, gif, or linkedin profile about them until you find something that puts you off. Think “Wow, I’m glad I found out they prefer no pulp.” Do air quotes around ‘no pulp’. Recognize they are misplaced. Do them again because you did them to be mean, not accurate. Say, “That could have been “bad”.” Make any off putting fact you can find their entire personality. Later that week when they add you on facebook, think, “Oh look, it’s the jackass who hates pulp.” Add them to confirm your suspicions. Go through all of their tagged photos and scoff at each one. Roll your eyes at a photo of them with their parents. Point at the photo and say, “Look, two fucking morons who raised someone who’s too good for pulp. Disgusting.” Only masturbate to the thought of them when your computer is dead.
Written by D.J. Mausner